Etiquette at an Asian Brothel: A Gentleman’s Guide

Brothel etiquette is mostly ordinary manners plus a few house rules: turn up clean, settle the time and the rate at reception, keep your phone in your pocket, and take a no as a no. Here is how a visit to Miss Kitty at 39 Tope St, South Melbourne actually runs, step by step, and what is expected of you at each point.

Before you leave home

Almost every complaint a receptionist hears comes down to hygiene, and it is the easiest thing on this page to get right. Shower, clean your teeth, put on clothes you have not worked in. If you have been drinking, give it an hour before you come — guests who arrive heavily intoxicated are turned away at the door, and that is a wasted trip for you and an awkward two minutes for the staff.

• Teeth. Mentioned more often than anything else. Brush them.
• Nails. Short and clean. It sounds like a small thing and it is not.
• Aftershave. Go light — the rooms are small and a heavy scent is hard to sit with.
• Phone. Put it on silent in the car, not in the hallway.

Booking ahead or walking in

Both are fine at 39 Tope. The door is open 11am to 2am, seven days, and walk-ins are normal. The one thing worth knowing is that the roster changes every day, so if you have looked at the Today’s Girls page and have someone in mind, ring first. A thirty-second call to 0468 387 665 saves a drive across town. Reception answers in English and Mandarin, and a text works just as well if you would rather not talk.

Friday and Saturday evenings from 7pm are the busy windows. If you arrive then without calling, expect to wait a little in the lounge. Parking is at the door, in a quiet street off Clarendon Street, about five minutes from the Melbourne CBD.

At reception: sort out time and money first

This is the part people skip, and it is the part that causes problems later. Reception will take you through the booking lengths and what each one costs — rates start at $160 for 30 minutes — and you agree on both before you go any further. Ask your questions here. Ask about payment. Ask how long the wait is. Ask anything you are unsure about.

What you should not do is reopen the money conversation once you are in the room. Haggling at that point puts the lady in an unpleasant position, and it ends the good mood you both walked in with.

Introductions

You will be introduced to the ladies who are free at that moment. Take a second, be friendly, say hello properly. If nobody feels like the right fit, “thank you, could I meet someone else?” is a normal sentence that staff hear every day and nobody takes badly.

What does land badly is commenting on a lady’s appearance, ranking people out loud, or making a joke you think is harmless. Whoever you choose has been standing in front of strangers all evening. A plain “thank you” to the ones you do not pick costs nothing.

In the room

Use the shower — it is there for you and it is the normal way to start. After that, the rule is simple: ask, do not assume. Your companion will tell you what is on and what is not, and a no is not an opening offer. Push it and the booking ends.

Keep the phone away for the whole visit. No photos, no video, no calls. She will keep an eye on the clock so you do not have to, and if you want longer, that is a question for reception on the way out, not a negotiation mid-booking. Beyond that, relax. Conversation is welcome; so is quiet.

The short list of things that end a visit

1. Arriving drunk or on something.
2. Taking your phone out to record anything.
3. Pushing after you have been told no.
4. Being rude to reception or to a lady you did not choose.
5. Trying to renegotiate the price inside the room.

It is a short list and almost nobody hits it. Every other worry people bring through the door — being nervous, not knowing what to say, never having done this before — is handled for you.

Leaving, and coming back

Say thank you and mean it. Tipping is not expected in Melbourne and nobody thinks less of you for skipping it; if you want to, cash at the end is the way. If you enjoyed the visit, tell reception which day and which lady worked for you — that is how they help you book well next time.

First-timers often ask what they should have done differently. Usually nothing. Turn up clean, be polite to everyone including the people you do not choose, sort the money out at the desk, and the rest looks after itself.

Frequently asked questions